Transformers 3

A few weeks ago, I went to the theater to see Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon with my brother Alex (for some reason we couldn’t convince his girlfriend or my boyfriend to join us). Here are the notes I took while watching, plus some drawings I made after! (Click on images to see ‘em larger)

• I just completely forgot the premise of the movie and said, “Why do the ALIENS look like CARS!?” Oops.

• Wait, but why does this robot look like Albert Einstein?

• Why do some of the transformers have beards? Their facial hair is made out of car parts, do they grow them as they age or assemble them from scraps they find lying around?

• The evil robot is wearing a CAPE! Actually, more of a gabardine. I don’t know why this is cracking me up so much.

• It’s excruciating when the robots make jokes.

• It’s magnificent when the robots chase each other down the freeway. These decepticons just transformed to gallop on all fours and their claws are tearing up asphalt and they’re leaping over stuff. It’s like a monster truck ballet!

• The lead actress’s lips look very chewy.

• At the beginning of this scene, the camera zoomed in on Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s butt in undies while she climbed a staircase, and I did an actual spit-take.

• Frances McDormand and John Turturro are both in this movie! Fun Fact: They are both married to Coen Brothers.

• John Malkovich, Andy Daly and Ken Jeong are also in this movie, and I’m glad!

• Woof, this thing is LOUD. I like to imagine how Michael Bay described the sound effects he wanted for each scene.

• Shia LaBeouf is looking as twerpy as ever, and also bulkier, redder, and sweatier. Next to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, he looks like a piece of kielbasa.

• I might need to stop calling my boyfriend “Shia LaBeoufriend,” not only because Shia looks terrible, but because it’s never been funny to anyone but me. This is just one in a series of “jokes” I’ve made by re-appropriating the identities of action movie stars.

• I just looked at my phone and there’s still AN HOUR of movie left. Next time I go to a Michael Bay movie, I’m bringing Gatorade and gorp!

• It’s awesome that human beings have evolved to be able to make something like this, as terrible as it is.

• Am I enjoying this more or less than Terence Malick’s “Tree of Life”? They should screen them as a double-feature.

• Wait, I totally zoned out for a minute there, why are these people FLYING?

• Now there’s some overwrought, patriotic-sounding music playing, like we’re so proud of our U.S. soldiers for being able to spread pouches of fabric from their sleeves and fly like little squirrels!

• I’m going to ignore the uncomfortable 9/11-esque imagery of that metal snake crashing through the floors of that skyscraper and just focus on how awesome it looks. TEAM SNAKE!

• At this point it’s impossible to process the individual actions happening on the screen, so I’m just leaning back in my seat, doing deep-breathing exercises and letting the movie wash over me. I’d panic, but I know from experience that it’s normal to experience dissociation during a Summer blockbuster.

• I just made my brother laugh by letting my head loll backwards while moaning like a dying cow. Which is what I feel like.

IN CONCLUSION:

• Michael Bay should stop making Transformer movies.

• This might be my second favorite Michael Bay movie (my first favorite is Bad Boys II) and I might have to see it again and pay extra to see it in 3D!!

• Who’s with me? Let’s buy tickets NOW.